FOR THE WOMAN WHO’S DRAWN THE SAME LINE A HUNDRED TIMES AND WATCHED SOMEBODY STEP RIGHT OVER IT AGAIN.
You’ve got a person in mind. You did before you ever clicked on this.
Someone who hurt you. Someone who drains you. Someone whose name comes up and your whole body changes.
And you’ve been quietly asking God the same question for a while nowβ¦ Am I finally allowed to be done with them?
That question deserves a real answer. And the answer most of us have been handed isn’t the whole truth.
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The Teaching That Sounds Right and Isn’t
There’s a slightly wrong sound running through the church on this one, and most of us got discipled in it without ever noticing.
“Get the toxic people out of your life.”
“YOU have to protect your peace, protect yourself.“
And “Set boundaries to protect yourself.”
Sister, those things are not biblical. They may have echoes of truth, but they’ve been twisted slightly. And I know that’s provocative, so let me tell you where I’m standing…
I don’t have a psychology degree. I’m a certified holistic health coach, and I’ve spent years in adrenal burnout, hormonal balance, the chemical cascades that run through the body, how thought and belief drive feeling and feeling drives choice. So I’ve read into the science of it.
But when it comes to what we actually do here, my study is in the Word. And the Word never teaches us to build our lives around self-protection.
Here’s how the enemy works:
He perverts. He twists. He’ll get you chewing on a little bit of the truth so he can get you off the fullness of it. And he’ll trick you to set a boundary out of fear right there because something or someone doesn’t feel safe in that moment. We just don’t realize that the “someone” is the enemy twisting truth and delivering it to us as the real deal. Can you see it?
And listen to this… A boundary built only to keep you safe is one small piece of something much bigger, dressed up to look like the whole thing. And it’s the very reason that many of the boundaries you’re setting aren’t even working.
Every Boundary Gets Built on Something
Ask yourself what’s underneath the boundary you set. The line you drew. The limit you made very clear.
Because a boundary that’s set primarily to protect you is, almost every single time, on top of a fear. Fear that “it” is going to happen again. Fear of what “they” are going to do next. Fear of what you’ll feel if you let them anywhere near you again.
I understand why we do this. I was a leader inside the Celebrate Recovery program back in the ’90s, and I know what it is to sit with people living around addiction and compulsion, where the counsel is: You’ve got to put something in place here, because this isn’t safe for you.
That counsel isn’t wrong. Hear me. It’s just not the full strategy you need to be employing.
The finished version, the part that changes everything, is this:
A biblical boundary is a representation of the word, will and ways of God for the relationship you’re standing in.
It’s His standard for how you and this person are to relate to one another presently. Not a wall you threw up because you were too scared to figure out what safe and good relationship with this person now looks like.
And when you go looking for what God’s standard for relationship actually is (even relationships where you’ve been hurt in the past), He isn’t vague about it.
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” β Matthew 22:37-39
“By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” β John 13:35
Love is the standard. So love is what the boundary gets built on.
And a boundary built on love is the one place enmeshment can’t take root. Codependency can’t take root. Intimidation and manipulation and coercion lose their grip, because that line isn’t holding your fear. It’s holding His standard.
But What About the One Who Actually Hurt You
Now to the hard place, because I’m not going to skip it. Even in the worst of it. Even where you were genuinely victimized. Even there, the Bible still calls you to carry a heart of love toward that person.
Notice what I’m not saying. God is not calling you back into an abusive or dangerous environment. He’s not asking you to submit to that person. He’s not requiring you to be in active, connected relationship with them. But He does call you to love them.
“But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” β Matthew 5:44
So if we’re called to love them and pray for them, what does that kind of a boundary look like? Because “I can’t be around them, I can’t be in their atmosphere, I can’t even think about their name” doesn’t leave any room to obey that. Sit with that for a sec. Like, Selah.
Then we ask: So, how do I actually do that?
It starts with forgiveness. You release the offense to God to deal with, and you release them. Not because what they did was fine, but because you can’t see clearly while you’re still gripping it, and you can’t build anything in love with your hands filled with fear.
Then comes the part almost nobody teaches, and I want you to listen carefully for the Holy Spirit’s voice in this:
“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!” β Psalm 139:23-24
This is not about attacking the victim. It’s not reversing anything back onto you. It’s about you being brave enough to bring the whole situation to God and say, Lord, is there anything in here that’s mine to release or repent for? And then trusting Him with whatever He says.
That’s not weakness, Sister. That’s you refusing to build your next boundary on half a picture. Forgive. Then ask if there’s anything you need to get cleaned up on your side of the street. Then, from that place, you’ll be standing in enough truth to put the line exactly where God says it goes.
“Are You for Us, or for Our Adversaries?”
There’s a moment in Joshua that shows us exactly how we come at all of this. Joshua’s outside Jericho. He looks up and there’s a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword. And Joshua asks him the most human question in the Bible.
“Are you for us, or for our adversaries?” β Joshua 5:13
That’s us. Every single time. We look at a situation and the first thing we want settled is which side of the line God is standing on. Because if He’s for me, I’ll set this boundary one way. If He’s for them, I’ll set it another.
Look at the answer. “No; but I am the commander of the army of the Lord. Now I have come.” β Joshua 5:14
No. Not for you, not for them. He didn’t pick a side. He changed the question. And Joshua hits the ground. He worships, and then he asks something completely different: What does my Lord say to His servant?
That’s the posture. He’s told to take his sandals off, because the ground he’s standing on is holy. And it’s right there, on his face, in the presence of God, that Joshua gets handed the strategy for taking Jericho.
God isn’t going to give you a boundary that only serves you. He’s after His standard in that relationship, and He’ll show you where the line goes the moment you stop asking Him whose side He’s on. God isn’t about blame. He’s about the truth. Amen.
You’re Leading, Whether You Signed Up for It or Not
The moment you said yes to Jesus, the Spirit of God moved into your heart. And He came in to lead you. Which means you’re being led by the ultimate Leader, and that makes you one too.
“Go therefore and make disciples of all nationsβ¦ teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.” β Matthew 28:19-20
You lead in your home. You lead at work. You lead people who are watching how you handle the hard ones. And before any of that, you lead yourself.
That’s why healthy spiritual habits and biblical boundaries are the same conversation. The habits you keep with yourself are boundaries.
What you’ll agree with. What you’ll let in. What you’ll get up and do when you don’t feel like it. Those lines are load-bearing, and the people coming behind you are going to build on whatever you put down.
Your Walls Can Be Rebuilt
I’m leading a Bible study on the book of Nehemiah right now, and it’s fascinating. When Nehemiah walked that destroyed wall of Jerusalem in the dark, he found what you may have already found. Burned gates. Broken stone. A city with nothing standing between it and whatever wanted in.
That might be exactly where you are. The boundaries that should have held got knocked down a long time ago, and you’re standing in the rubble wondering where any of it goes now.
They can be rebuilt. Not out of fear, and not by the pattern the world handed you. Bring it into His presence. Get on your face like Joshua did and ask Him what He says about it. Then build it there, in love, according to His word⦠and watch what finally holds.
π― Your Next Steps + Resources For You:
π Come study the Book of Nehemiah with us: Monday nights at 7:00pm ET on Zoom. It’s a full leadership study on building biblical boundaries and healthy spiritual habits, co-ed, taught alongside my husband. This isn’t a lecture. It’s a conversation where iron sharpens iron. It’s not too late to jump in.
ππ½ Get signed up: https://www.revivetampa.org/biblestudy
βοΈ Join me for Get Ready with God: Come start your day with me, Sis! Every weekday at 7:30am ET. 30 minutes of inspo, prayer and the word before the loudness of the day can even try to grab the wheel. Letβs get ready with God! ππ»
π Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ericapyle
π Facebook: https://www.ericapyle.com/BizFB
βͺοΈ Come worship with us at REVIVE Church of Tampa:
π Sunday worship at 11am, in person and online.
π 1803 N. Howard Ave, Tampa, FL 33607.
π https://www.facebook.com/revivechurchtampa
π§ Subscribe to Positioned to Prosper Podcast: This is where breakthrough gets built, the kind that changes the pattern for you, your family, and the generations coming behind you. Subscribe so you do not miss the next one.
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π Scriptures Referenced in This Episode: Matthew 22:37-39 | Matthew 28:19-20 | John 13:35 | Matthew 5:44 | Psalm 139:23-24 | Joshua 5:13-15 | Nehemiah 2
Erica co-leads a local church alongside her husband, Doug, in Tampa, Florida called REVIVE Church of Tampa. You can visit the church’s website for more information about who we are, what we believe and how we show up as the Church in the heart of West Tampa and beyond.
REVIVE Church of Tampa streams service live on Sunday mornings at 11am ET. You can find that livestream on our church Facebook page:
Live Service β Sundays at 11am ET
If you’re interested in joining the online campus of REVIVE Church of Tampa, you are welcome to join our community group on Facebook where we offer weekly discussion around the Friday and Sunday messages as well as discipleship Zoom groups and the opportunity to host others in your home as you stream services. You can find us here:
The ROCC: REVIVE Online Campus Community
About this podcast:
Welcome to the Positioned to Prosper Podcast with Erica Pyle, where we dive deep into Biblical mindsets, strategies, and inspiration to help you thrive in every area of your life. Whether it’s faith, health, relationships, finances, business, or ministry, Ericaβs here to equip you with the tools you need to get unstuck, overcome overwhelm, and avoid burnout as you pursue your purpose with intention.
Join Erica, co-lead pastor of REVIVE Church of Tampa, and founder/lead mentor of The Jesus Girl Gang, an online, group coaching mentorship for Christian women with a pioneering spirit, as she shares powerful teachings, practical advice, and pivotal strategies for breakthrough living without compromising on the things that matter most to you. With over 13 years of experience in pastoral ministry alongside her husband Doug, Erica brings a wealth of knowledge and a passionate heart for helping you live out God’s best for your life.
Each week, tune in for transformative insights that will empower you to build a Kingdom business or ministry, nurture your personal well-being, and create balanced, prosperous relationships. If you’re a faith-driven woman seeking to align your life with God’s purpose, you’re in the right place.
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